Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
