Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
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