stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
