my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
