I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
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i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
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the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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