We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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