Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
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Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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