Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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