U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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