Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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