Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
