he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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