I'm so fucking centered right now
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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