sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
