She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
