I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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