so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
