Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
