My sheets look like a crime scene.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
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Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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