I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
