His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
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You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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