I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
