She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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