every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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