I'm gonna have a badass scar
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
