is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
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Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
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I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now