I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.