Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
