phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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