My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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