I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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