final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
