the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
