I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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