I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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