I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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