i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
