at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
