Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
