Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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