so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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