LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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