I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Holy sore nipples Batman
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
