I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
