Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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