Plan B is the new Plan A
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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