dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
