My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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