@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
