I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
