Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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